I didn’t plan for this
The last six months have been the most intense and difficult of my entire life. Yes, more difficult than when my three-month-old baby had to have skull reconstruction surgery. Yes, more difficult than when I had to have a spinal procedure the day after my youngest was born and I couldn’t see him because he was in the NICU. More difficult than learning that my husband’s porn addiction had resurfaced one year into our marriage. You get the idea.
I guess I’ll go in chronological order for the sake of simplicity. I never finished ‘March Madness’ which was me attempting to write three books in the month of March. I almost finished the first draft of one, ‘Gaze at the Stars,’ a Sci-fi Rom-com based on my favorite movie ever. But then terrible things dominoed all over me and I had to stop. Everything. I stopped writing. I stopped reading (Gasp! I know… you know how much of a reader I am. It’s in my blood). The first step in my life falling completely apart was learning that we would not get our Residence Permits to remain in Greece… and that it was for literally no reason because we followed all of the requirements to… a… tee. So we started praying and trying to figure out what the next step was. As in, where were we going to move our very established family. Then, two weeks after we figured out that answer, Travis’s father—Allen Edward Spencer—got into a random and survivable skiing accident. Several days later, on March 6th, he died from a complications no one could have helped.
I have never gone through such grief. I literally collapsed onto the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. The problem was I was already at work, and the other woman who was there had never seen me so uncomposed and it scared her. My dad, or FIL if you want to be technical, was my biggest cheerleader. He didn’t understand my writing, but he helped however he could. He also told me—every single time he talked to me—that I am an amazing mother and wife and he loved me. On the many days I feel like a failure, I can still hear his voice encouraging me to keep going and keep trying.
So that was the inciting incident in my life. Lots of complicated and messing things came after that. We packed up our entire life in Greece in two days an left on flight with a promise our things would be shipped to the US. Then came probate. Probate is still happening. If there is any practical advice I can give you for the loved ones that will deal with your departure from this phase of life it is this: keep $10,000 in a bank account JUST for burial and service expenses (if you are ok with cremation… add $10,000 to $20,000 more if you want a plot and casket) and pay the $2,000 it costs to create a living trust. Because death is literally the worst, and dealing with probate on top of all the feels and details death brings in addition to dealing with governmental crap and lawyers doesn’t help. (Christine, I love you. You are the best probate lawyer ever. But you know what I mean.) Then we bought a house. Yes, that was insane. I never thought we would be able to buy a house, but the perfect place came on the market for under $100,000 and we totally went for it.
I’m grieving Greece and my FIL at the same time. It’s a lot. At some point I thought, forget it, I’m never writing again. I had a total identity crisis. I felt like a worthless lump. I had to go back and re-read my own book on godly confidence! I’m not even kidding.
But Rox Said
And on our cross-country journey from California to Pennsylvania (my new state of residence btw) we stopped to see our wonder friends in Kentucky and my friend Rox said, “When are you going to write about all this? I know you deal with things by writing about them.” I said I didn’t know and some vague comment about how I don’t feel like writing anymore and she just looked at me and said, “Well, whenever you write it, I want to read it.” That sentence keeps echoing in my mind. After a lot of prayer and just waiting on God to tell me what the next step in my life is (besides being a wife, mom, and lady that ministers to other ladies) I realize that I have to keep writing. I have so many stories left in my heart that are important to tell—not because I’m an awesome author—but because God wants me to tell them.
That To Which I Hold On
I’ve realized that my prayers have changed dramatically through all of this. I don’t pray for people to stay safe anymore. I just pray for God’s will, and if that means safe, if that means alive, then yes. That. But I’ve come to realize that whatever happens, literally whatever, that God has a plan. The best thing for me to do is lean on Him, knowing things will only progress to the point at which He wants them to progress. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still randomly weep in public (which is getting less annoying and embarrassing), but it means that after I’m done crying I remember that I’m still here because God wants me here. I don’t know what the plan is, but I can make it through because when I’m weak—and I’m so, so very weak—He is strong.
To everyone that wrote to me and/or reviewed ‘Plunge Into Darkness’, you are the best. I love you! Even if you didn’t like it, I appreciated every word of feedback. With that in mind, it is my pleasure (and my horror) to announce that I will be working on the second book of the series this November for NaNoWriMo. The working title is ‘The Knotted Woman,’ and it is going to be a bumpy ride. It is also part of my plan to get my hot co-writer/husband to finish going through ‘The Introvert Time Traveler’ so we can start writing ‘Were in Time,’ which I know is going to be amazing. He is obviously going through a lot, so if you remember, please pray for him. Before we met, his father was his best friend and losing him has been harder than hard.
For everyone that still reads these things, thank you. You are awesome.
Kristin N. Spencer
Compassion Expert, Reader Extraordinare, Writer